Dear Beautiful Souls,
As I place my heart in this column, I am sitting at a mirrored desk. I begin looking at the mirror in front of me, on my bright teal painted textured wall. What seemed like a fancy décor choice now has appeared instead as a subconscious set up. This office feels like a self-examination tool, documenting my inner battle to be vulnerable with you right here, right now. I suppose if you are reading this, it’s because you were supposed to. Yep… that’s right, maybe your soul needed this very moment too: you and I, hand in hand connected by words on a page. So, let’s begin. Are you ready? We are about to go deep…
I am hearing silence and my tears begin to fall on the keyboard. My mind takes me back to vivid images of myself as a teenager. I struggled with depression and lack of connection to who I was, despite being the classic over-achiever type. During my young adulthood, rebellion was my friend and I formed abusive relationships with myself and others. This loss of myself landed me a brief stay in a mental health hospital. I was asked by my therapist a profound question, “Why are you here?” She went on further to comment I was too well to be there. I wondered, was I?
So my soul wants to ask you….
Do you wonder why you are here too?
Close your eyes and imagine silence. Come with me, daydream…form space in your head, with every breath...Breathe. Inhale and release your energy.
What do you experience? Images of your worries? Feelings of your fears? A knowing of your mistakes?
Before I was admitted to the mental health hospital, I went in to work as usual at the local bank. Always responsible, I showed up, although void and with no color in my face. I disclosed to my boss that I had taken too many pills due to a bad relationship. I asked politely if I could go to the ER to address the ringing in my head from the ibuprofen I had taken. From the ER I found my fate in the form of a 72 hour “mental health break.” As I go back deeper into my memory, I recall that my skills of articulation and intelligence served me well. I was simply playing the game. I would always smile and hide the pain. I saw my stay at the hospital as simply a vacation from reality that I needed until I plotted my next move. I did not really want to die, but I did not know how to live either. Love seemed fleeting and unfamiliar. My fear of “losing it” was greater than finding “peace” for myself.
I had no idea that the seeds of my life’s purpose would be planted right then. As I sat in group therapy, I looked around the room and gave an empty smile …until my something spoke to me. The essence of pain, sprinkled with a little crazy, became my teachers. With each suicide survivor’s story, the power of vulnerability allowed us to be in a place where there was less judgment. Because we were absent of everything else, we had the opportunity to choose in that moment to simply listen. As my ears opened and my broken heart wept, what I heard was not the words of those sharing, but of my true self. The voice of my spirit said, “Love is all anyone in this room is after.” I looked around at the faces, and although different than mine, we were all the same in that moment.
Do you believe in love? If so, let your worries and fears all go and allow the universe to expand your infinite view. Love is the beginning of your wonder. Maybe you have forgotten the innocence in you and how you once gazed upon the night’s sky and felt so small. In our feeling of smallness, we allow the becoming of greatness. The vastness in the wonder is the gift you must give yourself. That is where the spiritual personality of you begins to take shape. It starts as silence in darkness, or even when you are contemplating your exit. Allow the wonder to evolve. Look up, and it will turn to abundance.
To “seek love and peace” is our purpose here. Together we will go to a place where endless love overflows and no judgment resides. Find it for yourself. Look within. My spirit whispers, “We are embarking upon a journey of soul revolution.” In preparation for this experience, all I ask is that you come here with less ego and more soul. I will.
Now you have a choice. Pay attention to the brightness of the others’ stars around you or simply focus on how to become lighter in YOUR way. It begins with just simply wondering, “Who am I? Why am I here? What is my soul’s purpose?”
I can tell you my friend, the ceasing of the outside noise or chatter is the key. Silence is communication. The source of our creation - whether you identify it as God, Love, Light, or Universe - is here with us. A good friend told me once that God is like a well-mannered gentleman. God’s peace will not come in uninvited. You must welcome the wonder. The wonder to know who you already are and feel his love.
I invite you to submit any ponderings or questions of the heart, so I can help you along your journey to wonder.
Amy Brock, Spiritual Intuitive