Dear Beautiful Souls,
What are you hungry for? What does your body tell you when it speaks? I am eating a chocolate chip cookie as I am writing this and dissecting these very questions. I had been off sugar and eating well for a few weeks and then I caved to the slippery slope of emotional eating. Ugh! I know I abandon myself every time I eat excessive amounts of sugar or some delightful rescuing carb to eliminate loss and swallow my emptiness. My body has been overweight all of my life and is the byproduct of that vicious cycle. The body I have fought to make better has quietly rebelled against me again.
I have always felt that I would never be loveable until my body was a size 8. When I look back at my life, I have experienced love a few times but I guess because those relationships did not work out I thought my unlovable theory was legitimate. This came up for me again a few days ago, when I saw the man I have been dating for a while. It really hurts when you care for someone and it just doesn’t work out especially when it seems like it would.
In the last several months, I had been pondering about how I am going to do things differently in relationships. Maybe take a risky, ballsy new approach… stay only until the lesson is done. I prayed the morning I broke up with him. I asked God to show me what I needed to know. My boyfriend revealed that my excess weight would be a limit to our romantic evolution although we had logged many hours together. Yes, tears fell when those words were spoken, but I realized he did me a favor; he spoke his truth. He again made me face my truth of feeling not good enough. I believe we all have those moments when the very thing we fear the most hits us smack in the face. I think we attract our fears because somewhere inside we have to face them to be free from our disillusioned self. My counterfeit self has been leading my brain and my body for a long time.
I realized that my belief that love equals a skinny me, has actually been what has caused an unhealthy me. Isn’t it funny how the body sets us up to overcome spiritual inadequacy? It’s almost like my body is resisting becoming healthier until I believe that true love only requires self-acceptance first.
I am on my fifth personal trainer. I am always hoping THIS ONE will help me obtain freedom from what I have always believed was an imprisoned image. This nearly 300 pound woman has been running nearly a mile every workout and all that I had to do was believe I could do it with the help of a loving coach. It only took a few weeks of practice with short intervals alternating between running and walking for my body to adjust. My body is so capable, powerful and forgiving. My body has allowed me to run with all this emotional baggage/protection that is visible for the world to see. It has proven it will carry me thick or thin, weak or strong, as long as I do not give up on it. My body has let me experience 37 years of life, created a child and is without any current health problems. Some would say my body is perfectly performing. It even protects my soul from intruders by signaling my gut instinct and tells me with symptoms of fatigue when I have pushed myself too far.
Our spirit is much like our body. Even when we allow our ego to rule our decisions it still will send signals. We will feel depressed or have anxiety when the spirit is not aligned with our body or actions. It will never abandon us because the moment you ask for it to speak to you it will. Maybe you grab a drink or cigarette to ignore your soul, or stick around too long in a dead end job or relationship. We all have our drugs of choice that allows us to escape imperfections and break from our realities of not feeling good enough. I know I do. I continue to battle how to measure self-worth even after proving my ability to perform at high levels and be loveable. I think the real test comes when and if we decide to give up. I believe through the tears and anger and dozens of chocolate chip cookies, there is something inside me that says you simply have to let go. It’s a little voice in my head that I hear and I feel it from my heart. The intuitive spark or signal inside fights for me to make it.
How do you hear or feel intuition you might ask? In the beginning, when you try to get to know your intuition, the voice inside your head and heart may seem soft because you have to lean in to learn the tone or feeling. I promise you that if you practice listening to the subtleties of the whispers they will become louder and clearer. Once you recognize your intuitive voice, you next have to do the hardest part TRUST. It takes trial and error with short burst of trusting and following until you fully run on intuition alone. Trust is especially hard because you cannot control the outcomes. We are taught in society that if we follow the rules; achieve certain milestones, or reach higher levels of success then we will be happy. Not always true. Our intuition will tell you where your true joy resides and it may not look like what you thought or were taught.
God gifted our intuitive light at birth because He did not want us to come here in our mortal state and fail. Our intuition will tell us to move even if we feel like we cannot. Although we often think God is far away, He is actually right here inside of us. He just whispers and is more subtle than the revivals we see on television. We have been sold the image that God is grand and vast, which He is at times of necessity. But in the day to day interactions with Him, I have found that He wants me to sit still and simply listen within. I find Him actually louder inside me than outside of me. Ask Him to meet you inside your soul. He will meet you in that place that appears not good enough or even worthy to host Him. He actually likes visiting those who are the most broken because He teaches the humble more successfully. We are able to receive the gifts of learning in the vulnerability of not being enough.
God was there when I felt rejected and I prayed for his understanding as to why another failed relationship involved my body blame game. He has been there every time I work out and fear being able to. I have called His name to carry me, as I ran up hills during the Florida heat and thought I just would not make it one more step. He has proven to me that he shows up to hold me when I am falling short. This body that I thought was inept is taking me the distance. My spirit inside tells me that I am able to push beyond my perceived physical or spiritual limits.
My body image journey is far from over but I can tell you I am winning. I only ate one cookie instead of three. I chose to not stay with someone that could not love all of me, rolls and all. I asked for guidance and it was given. The man I cared for was an amazing person in spite of the unsuccessful coupling. He was my soulmate, my teacher. He taught me what I needed to know. I am stronger and my intuition tells me my love story is still not written. My true love is me. My soul tells me so. I am curious to see how far my body will take me, and until then, I believe my intuition will lead the way. God knows the path. Hopefully I can be one of your teammates, running the marathon of life. The spirit always wins in the end. Let it lead you to the finish line. The winner’s tape is waiting to break, are you ready to run with me? He sends people to guide us spiritually and physically. Just like I have a fitness trainer to get my body stronger, we have a built in spiritual trainer. Your intuition boot camp begins now. Get spiritually fit and listen.
Amy Brock, Spiritual Intuitive